Dino Crisis meets Resident Evil
by SoftPenguin
Summary: Umbrella has mutated with the dinosaurs in the island, but guess what...its just stupid! what happens when the RE characters go after umbrella and wind up in the island with Dylan and Regina? its really funny..R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Now….the show  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Regina chases after 5 of those small dinosaurs.  
  
Regina: Give me back my underwear!  
  
She turns a corner and she bumps into Dylan who was searching for money behind the bushes  
  
Dylan: Umm…Regina? Why are you naked?  
  
Regina: I was takin a bath in the lake  
  
Dylan: Oh…right…  
  
Regina: By the way, have you seen those small dinosaur-thingies run by here?  
  
Dylan: With "hello-kitty" panties?  
  
Regina: Yes  
  
Dylan: ! Heeh I was just jokin, ehehe you whear hello-kitty underwear!  
  
Regina: Its cute!  
  
Dylan: Yeah right…is that your only excuse?  
  
Regina: and…because they are my size  
  
Dylan: Those can fit my 10 year old cousin!  
  
Regina: Why!? Have you seen your cousins underwear!?  
  
Dylan: Uh…no! Fine, you know what? You want clothes anyway, its not good to run around naked, what do you want, a raptor to "get one" or something?  
  
Regina: It thought they would keep their distances because I am a human  
  
Dylan: No, cuz you are exposing more skin so it will be easier for them to just, jump at you and eat you.  
  
Regina: Shuddup!  
  
Dylan: ^ ^ so what then, you can just go back to the boat and get new clothes you know.  
  
Regina: ugh, fine I guess I'll just walk. Have you found any money though?  
  
Dylan: I found a corpse with a credit card ^ _^  
  
Regina: And…  
  
Dylan: It expired -_-  
  
Regina: We talk later…  
  
*Infront of the boat*  
  
Regina: I hope there weren't any pervs around this stupid island staring at my nice round ass…or more importantly…NAH! I don't think so.  
  
She opens the door and goes inside. She sees two people making out on the control desk.  
  
Regina: AH!  
  
Claire Redfield: AH!!!!  
  
Regina: AH!!!  
  
Leon Kennedy: AAH!!!  
  
Regina: O MY GOD!!!!  
  
She licks her lips  
  
Regina: That's a big dingalin' you got there -_^  
  
Leon: Uh…mm (say something smooth, very smooth)  
  
! 1) Wanna join---X wrong!  
  
! 2) Umm..that looks soft---X wrong!  
  
! 3) We are professionals..DOH! X wrong!  
  
Claire: Idiot.  
  
Regina: Anyway, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!  
  
Leon: Like I said *puts long pants a white thank top on as he walks to Regina* we where just passing the time. We are waiting for Billy and Rebecca to finish exploring this forest.  
  
Regina: You mean this island  
  
Leon: Island?  
  
Claire: I told you! *she says as she puts on baggy camouflage pants and a white top on*  
  
Leon: No you didn't!  
  
Regina: Oh…well…then, can you two get out of here? I'm going to change…  
  
Leon: I don't think that's necessary, I mean I have already seen everything -_^  
  
Claire/Regina: IDIOT! *uppercuts him through the roof and back down*  
  
Leon: @_@  
  
Regina: I'll be back ok? What's your name?  
  
Claire: Just go change, it doesn't seem…right you asking me for your name bare naked  
  
Regina: ^ ^ Oh! Right…hehe sorry I'll be back.  
  
Leon: Huh? What? Where 'she go?  
  
Claire: She went to change  
  
Leon: Aw! She keeps the blood out of my brain…what a body  
  
Claire: Tch I had to kick you in the balls instead.  
  
Leon: ^_^  
  
*Regina walks in the small hall and opens here door*  
  
Still Dre by DR. Dre and Snoop Dogg is playing as she opens the door  
  
Regina opens the door.  
  
Regina: !!!!!!! O MY!  
  
Billy/Rebecca: AAAAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!  
  
(guess what)  
  
*Back in the main hall*  
  
Regina is dressed with the same pants that Claire is currently wearing and a blue short top with a leather vest- long sleeved.  
  
Everyone is in the main room of the boat.  
  
Regina: Ok, Ok, what the hell is going on here?  
  
Billy: Umm…we are looking up to destroy Umbrella Corp's evil plans!  
  
Rebecca: Didn't we do that already?  
  
Billy: Yes, but for some reason, in every sequel of Resident Evil Umbrella has either 1) a secret weapon 2) a secret mutation 3) the owner was THOUGHT to be dead but he DID not die, and if he DID die, another bastard comes along to replace him.  
  
Rebecca: I see, damn son-o-bitches   
  
Regina: Huh? Umbrella?  
  
Claire: Yes, we believe they are now doing plans in their mansion. As Billy said, they have a new mutation, some kind of new breed.  
  
Billy: I didn't say that.  
  
Claire: Shut up! Just listen. Anyway. This new mutation is female, and they look around looking to mate with men so more of these species can run the world.  
  
Leon: Species anyone?  
  
Claire: Yes, like the movie.  
  
Billy: Oh whatever! Rebecca felt real enough, she can't be one of those monsters.  
  
Suddenly, Rebecca goes wild and starts attacking Leon. Her eyes glow green and she sticks her LOOOOONG tongue out.  
  
Rebecca: Good body!  
  
Dylan: LOOK OUT!  
  
He shots her head off with his shotgun. Her body falls on the floor.  
  
Suddenly, they hear a toilet flush. The real Rebecca comes out adjusting her blue baggy pants, and long sleeved white shirt and red headband.  
  
Rebecca: Huh? What was the gunshot I heard?  
  
Dylan: LOOK OUT!  
  
He shoots again but misses her.  
  
Rebecca: HEY!  
  
Billy: Stop! This is the real one, I recognize that mark on her neck, I remember the wild -  
  
Rebecca: BILLY!!!   
  
Regina: -_- don't remind me  
  
Dylan: Hufff, is everyone OK?  
  
Leon lays with his head back on the control chair drooling. His eyes where white.  
  
Claire: LEON!  
  
Dylan: I wonder if I shot him too?  
  
Claire: LEON! LEON! Wake up!  
  
She shakes his head wildly.  
  
Leon: UGH! Umm… what the hell happened?  
  
Claire: Oh thank god you are safe!  
  
She gives him a bear hug.  
  
Leon: Alright alright!  
  
*later on*  
  
Dylan is wearing black Leather pants (not those REALLY tight ones, but ones everyman can wear) and a Mid green long sleeved shirt that read "Cadets are cute".  
  
Leon: Yo, I don't think that shirt is for men.  
  
Dylan: My father bought it for me at La Senza, this guy told him it was a mans store man!  
  
Leon: I hope your father is blind….its obvious that they sell women's underwear there.  
  
Dylan: Uh? I bet I know what kind of underwear is one of a kind  
  
Regina: LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
Dylan: Fine, ill go change my shirt. *He goes back in the room to get a new shirt. He comes out with a white blockbuster shirt).  
  
Leon: Good enough.  
  
Regina: So can now, everyone explain with more Detail to why exactly you are here in an island full of Dinosaurs?  
  
Billy: Full of Dinosaurs?  
  
Rebecca: Well, those little dinos are better break than those Leeches attacking me all the time.  
  
Billy: We thought this was Raccoon forest!  
  
Regina: Ttch, idiot, look outside….and now, like me and Dylan who supposedly came back to take a vacation to this island are now stuck again because of some drunk who fed himself to the T-Rex who later got contaminated and fell on a army of Raptors that was following us.   
  
Claire: -_- Musta been Chris  
  
Jill: *out of nowhere* Yes, he was fun until his death  
  
She was wearing the same outfit of Resident Evil 3.  
  
Rebecca: JILL!  
  
She runs to Jill and hugs her.  
  
Jill: Ugh! Rebecca hello.  
  
Regina: hello…join the gang.  
  
Jill: O..k.  
  
Leon: So an island full of Dinos eh?  
  
Claire: I told you we shouldn't had gone through that Portal you called "Pretty Hole"   
  
Leon: I wasn't referring to THAT. Plus, how do I know that's not true? Because you always KNOW.  
  
Claire: I do! But noooo, I guess Pamela Anderson was more important.  
  
Leon: AND Mila Jovovich! It was the best damn edition of this magazine ever damn it!  
  
Claire: I can't believe men still like her anymore  
  
Regina: So do you guys mind exploring around or something? I mean we can't stay here forever.  
  
Leon: But if we EXPLORE around here, we won't be able to stop Umbrellas evil plans.  
  
Jill: What's the use.. they'll just come up with something else in the next installment.  
  
Billy: Like I said.  
  
Rebecca: Their plans get even stupider as they go on.  
  
Billy: True that.  
  
Regina: So…Billy, why do you always have handcuffs on your wrists?  
  
Leon: They serve as good entertainment *takes a bite of a donut*.  
  
Regina: Uh…  
  
Billy: *Winks to Rebecca*  
  
Rebecca: uhhh….. he was rapin me!  
  
Regina: -_-…lets just go.  
  
End of chapter. 


	2. Splits where the story goes cool!

Chapter 2:  
  
Jill: So what then, I think we should make the parties?  
  
Rebecca: Wo o! A party!  
  
Leon: That's not what she meant *takes another bite off his donut*  
  
Billy: By the way Leon, what is the brand of those Donuts?  
  
Leon: SoftPenguin why?  
  
Jill: !  
  
Claire: What?   
  
Jill: I think I know a kid who's name is just that!  
  
Billy: A kid?  
  
Jill: Damn right, a kid. He goes by the name SoftPenguin, its what his friend likes to call him.  
  
Rebecca: Really…I hope hes cute.  
  
Billy: Damn woman I just screwed you and you're talking about another man?  
  
Regina: You never know if hes a man or not..that's why we must explore  
  
Dylan: you just exploring don't you  
  
Regina: Well…I  
  
Leon: I wonder, if you'll stop to take a bath in the lake again let me join…I need adventure  
  
Everyone looks at him in a weird way. They laugh at him because what he just said was just stupid.  
  
Rebecca: You wont get any girl with that kind of talk.  
  
Claire: Then I guess I'm special.  
  
Rebecca: OOOOPS! Sorry  
  
Claire: Its ok [mumbles] bitch  
  
Rebecca: What?  
  
Billy: Let's just find a way to get out of this island.  
  
Leon: Isn't that always the scenario when you are trapped in an island full of dinos?   
  
Regina: Lets just go…and take some clothes with ya we are camping in the night  
  
Dylan: Can't we just return to the boat?  
  
Regina: Like I said, I need adventure  
  
Billy: Well whatever, we have to choose the party  
  
Rebecca: Yeah the party!  
  
Billy grabs her left breast hard  
  
Rebecca: UGH!  
  
Billy: you know what I can do to this one  
  
Rebecca: sorry sorry sorry sorry!  
  
Dylan: So lets count the people would we?  
  
1-jill 2- leon 3- Claire 4- RAPTOR! *shoots the raptors head off* 5- me 6-Rebecca 7- Billy  
  
Jill: I guess we are uneven  
  
Billy: So one party has to choose one more person. I choose Jill!  
  
Jill: NO!  
  
Rebecca: *Grabs Billy's crotch* you know what I can do to this one  
  
Billy: Sowy! Sowy! Sowy! Sowy!  
  
Leon: Like Billy said, we must choose one more person.  
  
Dylan: I'll divide you all since I have no favorites.  
  
Leon: I think you should pick parties that have never touched each other before.  
  
Claire: Like Leon and Rebecca  
  
Rebecca: NO!  
  
Dylan: Good choice.  
  
Rebecca: Why?  
  
Billy: its just obvious, you two have never been in a game together, let alone touch each other so it only seems fair.  
  
Rebecca: You are with this!?  
  
Billy: For the time being, we don't know each other.  
  
Rebecca: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!  
  
Regina: You two! Stop it!  
  
Dylan: …REGINA IS A VIRGIN!  
  
Everyone stares…Regina stays with her mouth open  
  
Regina: You bastard you just had to talk didn't you!?  
  
Someone outside the window: (wishpers) where did that come from?  
  
Leon: That puts us all in jeopardy, unless we pair her up with a female.  
  
Rebecca: You never know she might be lesbian.  
  
Regina: DYLAN!!!!!  
  
Dylan: I…think I would go alone, I don't think we will pair up with anyone.  
  
Then that leaves us with 5 people  
  
Claire: Huh? Who said that?  
  
Chris Redfield: Me!  
  
Regina: You again? I thought you got eaten by a T-Rex  
  
Chris: Fortunately, the dude couldn't digest me, so he crapped me out whole. Now, I cant's stay outside any longer can somebody open this window?  
  
Claire approaches and opens the window.  
  
Chris: That's better *dusts off*  
  
Chris: So about that Umbrella thingy… there's nothing wrong with umbrella anymore…the only real menace now is that Umbrella's experiments have mutated with the dinosaurs in this island, but that was not because of umbrella, it was because of some really stupid squirrel that sneaked some experiments and brought it to this dimension for the winter…its really dumb. I got a strategy though…lets just -  
  
A Licker pops from the window. It freaks the living hell out of everyone. It eats Chris whole and then dies because of the fart Chris released.  
  
Claire: CHIRS!  
  
Leon: Ok, he's dead, leave the dude alone.  
  
Claire: Fine.  
  
A T-Rex breaks the wall and freaks everyone again. He eats the remaining parts of Chris and the now dead Licker.  
  
The T-Rex falls in the water.  
  
Dylan: Ok…ssssh everyone shut the fuck up until I tell you that you can talk.  
  
Regina: When we hear a grunt or something? We RUN ok?  
  
Leon: I pissed my pants  
  
Billy: Ok…ready all?  
  
The T-Rex flashes out of the water! He is mutated!!!!   
  
ALL: RUN!!!!  
  
But they cant all fit through the boats door. it's a preasure because the T-Rex is only getting closer!  
  
Leon: DAMN IT! LET ME GO THROUGH!  
  
Claire: FUCK YOU LET ME GO THROUGH!  
  
Wesker: YOU SHOULD ALL DIE…LET THE ME GO THROUGH!!!  
  
Jill: WESKER!?  
  
Billy: WHO GIVES A SHIT! LETS ALL JUST GIVE A PATH TO ME!  
  
Rebecca: UGH!! (I got it, if I make everyone laugh….think of something!…uhh) BILLY HAS A SMALL PENIS!  
  
BILLY: REBECCA HAS A PINK THONG!  
  
Everyone pauses…  
  
Leon: The heck?  
  
Rebecca: I GO THROUGH! *she runs out into the wild*'  
  
Billy: MUAAAHAHA! *runs out*  
  
ALL: SHIT!  
  
Dylan: Uhh… REGINA HAS HELLO KITTY UNDERWEAR!  
  
Regina: WHO CARES!?  
  
But everyone laughs anyway  
  
Dylan goes through with Regina. Then Leon and Claire also go through…Wesker was already out….  
  
*Everyone is mixed up in the wild now*  
  
Everyone is running, but nobody knows where the other is! Nobody! Not even Dylan and Regina who ran out together!  
  
*Part1  
  
Leon bumps into Rebecca  
  
Rebecca: Ugh!  
  
Leon: Ouch!   
  
Rebecca: Ugh!  
  
Leon: Uh!  
  
Rebecca: Ah!  
  
Leon: Oh!  
  
Rebecca: Umm….  
  
Leon: This doesn't sound right.  
  
Rebecca: Why do I agree?  
  
Leon helps Rebecca up.  
  
Leon: I guess we did wind up together.  
  
Rebecca: Yes we did *dusts off*  
  
Leon: *does the same*  
  
*They are taking a "nice" walk while they chat about their lives*  
  
Leon: So.. Is it true you have a pink thong?  
  
Rebecca: Yes  
  
Leon: Let me see?  
  
Rebecca shows off part of her thong…Leon wasn't quite looking at that.  
  
Leon: Its pretty  
  
Rebecca: Is it? I thought it was rather plain since it has no designs on it.  
  
Leon: Uh, yeah, but it looks cute on you.  
  
Rebecca: ^ ^ thanks.  
  
Leon: So… tell me more about yourself…  
  
Rebecca: Well, I play the Piano and…  
  
*Part 2  
  
Jill: Damn it…where did my tube top go!?  
  
Dylan: Uh? I'm with you?  
  
Jill: EEEK!  
  
Dylan: WOAH!  
  
Jill: Well then I guess its no use covering them anymore.  
  
Dylan: Woah…I mean… have you ever wore a bra before?  
  
Jill: Yes, but none quite fit me because my breast are so big  
  
Dylan: I' c. Can I just touch to see if its true that you there are no sizes for you? I'm a bra designer, so I should know  
  
Jill: You pervert  
  
Dylan: Hehe… but am I close?  
  
Jill: Give me your shirt and we'll talk  
  
Dylan: UGH.. Fine, I have nothing to expose from my waist up. Yet  
  
Jill: Mmm…. Lets talk bussiness  
  
Dylan: RRRRR…. (he trips on Dino crap)  
  
*Part 3  
  
Billy: Hello? Anyone? Help me?  
  
Claire: I'm right here you big baby  
  
Billy: Oh Claire! You made it alive!  
  
Claire: You are only happy because I am here to save your ass right  
  
Billy: Uh..no…  
  
Claire: Lets walk around and talk later  
  
Billy: Fine..  
  
Claire: So tell me the real reason to why you haven't taken those handcuffs off  
  
Billy: Well, its simple-  
  
*Part 4  
  
Wesker: Hello?  
  
Wesker: I'm here!  
  
Wesker: Oh hey  
  
Wesker: Hello!  
  
Wesker: So let's talk to know more about each other would we?  
  
Wesker: Sure.. Which one do you preffer…men or women?  
  
Wesker: I preffer-  
  
END of chapter  
  
*Next chapter will be Leon and Rebeccas Chapter.  
  
*What is the secret behind Billy's handcuffs?  
  
*Who is Wesker talking to?  
  
*Why is Jill such a whore?  
  
*Why does Dylan know all the playboy moves?  
  
*When will all the sexual confrontations stop?  
  
*Find out in the end of the story man! Read! 


	3. Leon and Rebecca

Chapter 3  
  
*Leon and Rebecca*  
  
Leon: Rebecca! I think I found something! *he picks up a red used condom*  
  
Rebecca: Ew, who would wanna do it HERE?  
  
Leon: There are sick people out there you know?  
  
Rebecca: Well… that sick?  
  
Leon: Let's just go on.  
  
*Along the veins and the trees there lies a secret…*  
  
Rebecca: A bra?  
  
Leon: O..k this is too much.  
  
Rebecca: I GET IT!  
  
Leon: OUCH! What?  
  
Rebecca: Survivors!  
  
Leon: Don't tell me the only survivors here are the ones that…  
  
Rebecca: Yup!  
  
Leon: So that explains the condom  
  
Rebecca: You know that it was strawberry?  
  
Leon: You…are so…  
  
*Down the small waterfall across the river lies another secret…*  
  
Leon: Panties!  
  
Rebecca: We are getting closer to our guests  
  
*Suddenly, they trip because of an annoying rock in the river. They fall in a cave, the cave gets blocked with T-Rex crap and they can't get out*  
  
Leon: OK ok, if we follow this path, we may find a way out  
  
Rebecca: Yeah I see a light already  
  
Leon: Smartass  
  
*They follow the light outside to the other side of the cave. They end up in a small area, where the only place you can go is, down to the river which is a good 70feet off the ground.*  
  
Leon: HELP!!!!   
  
Rebecca: Ugh! Nowhere to run eh?  
  
Leon: that's what happens when you mix two very dumb video game characters into a funny story.  
  
Rebecca: I'm not that sad, besides, look at it this way…I got my CD player!  
  
Leon: Depends on the music you have.  
  
Rebecca: Shawn Desman!  
  
Leon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Rebecca:… and Linkin Park  
  
Leon:..O! oooh…cool which album?  
  
Rebecca: Reanimation!  
  
Leon: O MY GOOOOOOOOOD!!!! *he grabs the cd player and tosses it into the river*  
  
Rebecca: HEY!!!!  
  
Leon: Ugh!  
  
*from the bottom they hear a guy scream. They go to the edge to check what happens, a naked guy floats on the water while a naked woman tries to wake him up*  
  
Leon: We just ruined some ones birthday didn't we?  
  
Rebecca: Oh man! I feel so sorry!!!! O my god!  
  
Leon: Damn it!  
  
Rebecca: OK, Ok, they are in a better place now aren't they?  
  
*For some reason, a Grisley appears out of nowhere and eats them both whole*  
  
Leon: If you are talking about the Grisleys stomach…then you just got your lucky day given  
  
Rebecca: You're and asshole  
  
*Jill and Dylan appear out of nowhere and gang up on the Bear. The bear kicks Dylan in the groin and rips Jills top off*  
  
Leon: Look! More idiots!  
  
Rebecca: those aren't idiots! that's Jill (as usually topless) and Dylan!  
  
Leon: Ahem…they're still stupid…  
  
Rebecca: JILL!!! DYLAN!!!!  
  
*Jill gets Dylan shotgun and shoots up. The shot almost got Rebeccas head, but it did blow Leons Donut out*  
  
Leon: AW!  
  
Rebecca: Where did you get that?  
  
Leon: I don't know! These things just come to me.  
  
Rebecca: Well, you are a cop you know?  
  
Leon: Ahem…the RPD …which doesn't do anything but die in a mission.  
  
Rebecca: Oh…  
  
Leon: I mean if I wouldn't had been covering their asses all the time each and everyone of my team members would had died. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway because they are dead now.  
  
Rebecca: What happened?  
  
Leon: I played a prank. I put constipation liquids in their coffees until they all had to go to the bathroom. Some didn't make it in and busted their lungs, and the lucky ones that made it to the toilet died crapping.  
  
Rebecca: Why the heck would you do something like that!?  
  
Leon: A kangoroo kicked my groin and I was pissed off.  
  
Rebecca: Lets not go on  
  
Dylan: Hey!!! Rebecca and Leon!!!  
  
Leon: Shoot! They spotted us!  
  
Rebecca: why do you care so much?  
  
Leon: they are going to shoot another one of my donuts…  
  
Rebecca: Why? Are you going to get mad and put Constipation liquids in their drinks?  
  
Leon: No. But I can get really mad.  
  
Jill: HEEEEEY!!!   
  
Rebecca: WE CANT GET OUT OF HERE!!!!! CAN YOU GUYS TELL US IF THERE IS A WAY TO GET OFF THIS STUPID CLIFF!!!!?  
  
Jill: WEEELLL!!!!…….  
  
*Suddenly, Dylan and Jill get attacked by a bunch of raptors*  
  
Leon: There they go.  
  
Rebecca: And there goes our chances of getting out of here  
  
Leon: Oh heck with it…lets just jump off!!!  
  
Rebecca: Be my guest  
  
Leon: Nah… too chicken  
  
Rebecca: ^_^  
  
Leon: so then what? how are we going to get out of here?  
  
Rebecca: umm…HEY!  
  
*she spots a wooden ladder going down to the river*  
  
Leon: No… cuz then that would just get us into the trouble that Jill and Dylan just went through.  
  
Rebecca: Any weapons?  
  
Leon: Got eaten by the T-Rex  
  
Rebecca: Damn it… Lets just go down anyway, if we make a really stupid joke about Dino crap they may consider us funny and run back.  
  
Leon: Ladies first… to become raptor food  
  
Rebecca: you never know! It may work!  
  
Leon: Hey! Look above us!!! Theres land!  
  
Rebecca: Is there enough land to run around?  
  
Leon: 99.9% sure  
  
Rebecca: IM FIRST!  
  
Leon: HEY!! Wait up!!! *he trips and hurts his leg*  
  
Leon: Ugh! Not my day  
  
End of chapter:  
  
*Next chapter is going to be Claire and Billy's day* 


End file.
